Girlfriend tells her 24-year-old boyfriend's adoptive daughter 5-year-old daughter that he's not her real dad because he's biologically her brother: 'I got custody of her when I was 19'

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Writer and Editor
Feb 2, 2025 6:00 PM EST

I don't care what your family situation is: it's not okay to tell kids that the parental figure in their life is "not their real mom" or "not their real dad." We know that that's not okay when a kid is adopted, but what about when they're adopted by family members, like an aunt or an uncle? Family members can have different roles than what society expects them to have. Babies can be uncles if grandparents are having babies after their kids. Older siblings can become parents to their younger siblings if their mom or dad are not fit to do so. Familial roles can be incredibly fluid, and just because society prescribes the nuclear family model of one mom and one dad as the end all be all, it doesn't mean that you shouldn't step up where you're needed and fill familial roles appropriate for your family's unique situation. 

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  • 01
    Cheezburger Image 10462183680
    via Brooke Cagle (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • The brother in this story really stepped up for his little sister. Instead of letting her stay in a terrible situation, he got custody of her when he was only 19. Instead of supporting him on his journey, his fiancée betrayed him by telling his daughter the nature of their relationship before he did. 

  • 02

    AITA for not telling my kid I'm not her actual dad

    So for context, when I(24m) was 19 when my mom had my younger sister, Mj (not actually her name for privacy). My mom was a drug addict, stopping during pregnancy, but when Mj was about 5 months old she started back on dr_s, dropping Mj off any place she could. Seeing this I wanted to give Mj a
    via u/Inner_Profession6126
  • 03
    life that she deserved, not what our mother gave me, even though I was only 19, i filed a petition to get custody of her, it was a long hard process but when Mj was 2 i finally got full custody, all this to say, im legally Mj's dad. Im the only dad she knows and she calls me dad.
    via u/Inner_Profession6126
  • 04
    A year ago I met my girlfriend, Ida (24f) and we started dating not long after, I really thought I found somebody to like me and Mj, Ida would always take Mj on 'girls days' and little 'dates'. I proposed to Ida on Sunday, it seemed like everything was great until a few hours ago.
    via u/Inner_Profession6126
  • 05
    Ida was at my apartment having dinner with me and Mj, well when i was cooking dinner I heard Mj say something along the lines of 'Your gonna marry my daddy and your gonna be best friend' I thought it was cute until I heard Ida laugh and say 'He's not your dad Mj' which caught me off guard, i guess she thought i
    via u/Inner_Profession6126
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    Cheezburger Image 10462217216
    via Brooke Cagle (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • 07
    couldn't hear her because there's one a wall between the kitchen, but still i don't know why Ida said that. Mj was confused as 5 year olds are said I was and Ida kept correcting her until Mj started crying, Which honestly made me mad, I asked Ida why she would even say that and Ida stated 'She was going to find out eventually'
    via u/Inner_Profession6126
  • 08
    and I was an for not telling Mj in the first place. I got mad and one thing led to another i said somethings i shouldn't have, telling her she had no right and Ida went home and Me and Mj had dinner alone, Ida started blowing up my phone later saying what I did was 'wrong' and basically was just ranting to me through text, I started doubting myself and now i'm here. So AITA
    via u/Inner_Profession6126
  • 09
    (I was gonna tell Mj i was her brother someday, yes, but when shes old enough to understand, Mj is only 5 she doesn't make sense of it) (Also sorry if im bad at explaining)
    via u/Inner_Profession6126
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    via Brooke Cagle (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • 11
    SoMuch MoreEagle Edit: NTA But Ida sure is. Info: did you tell Ida that you hadn't told Mj about her family history yet? Did you discuss that you were going to tell her later? How long had you been dating Ida before you introduced her to Mj?
    via u/SoMuchMoreEagle
  • 12
    Inner Profession6126 OP i did tell Ida that Mj didnt know, yes. And i did tell her i wanted to only tell Mj when she was ready to know, we were dating for about 6 months before her and Mj met
    via u/Inner_Profession6126
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    SoMuch MoreEagle • 14h ago Judge, Jury, and Excretioner [303] I'd reconsider the engagement, if not the whole relationship after this.
    via u/SoMuchMoreEagle
  • 14
    slash_networkboy • 10h ago Ohh I yeah, that was one million percent not Ida's lane. That would be a hard end to the relationship for me, especially given the doubling down and blowing up the phone after.
    via u/slash_networkboy
  • 15
    OP: Get yourself a Family therapist that specializes in child work (as opposed to one that focuses on marriages) PRONTO! The cat's out of the bag and this is rough territory you've been thrust into. Having some professional support to help you navigate this with Mj is a really good idea. Oh, NTA either.
    via u/slash_networkboy
  • 16
    Sputnik918 Ida is an awful human being. You have to be a special kind of villain to say what she did. Do not marry her. It's not a coincidence that she felt comfortable saying this right after you proposed btw. She's a wolf in sheep's clothing but is starting to feel comfortable being the wolf now that she has a ring on her finger.
    via u/Sputnik918
  • 17
    LowBalance4404 NTA, but I think it's time you have this conversation with MJ. There are a ton of books out there than can help you talk through adoption. They even make books for little kids about how they are special because they are picked. I'd also start slowly with the story that her mom couldn't take care of her and you wanted to. You can keep it all age appropriate, but it's a good idea to start socializing this young. You don't want her to be 16 when she finds this all out.
    via u/LowBalance4404
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    Inner_Profession6126 OP thank you! I'll look into books like that!
    via u/Inner_Profession6126
  • 19
    gtwl214 I'm an adoptee. I do caution about some adoption books especially with the "special" label. It can create issues with self worth. If you're on facebook, join adoption: connecting the constellation to learn from adoptees.
    via u/gtwl214
  • 20
    PracticalLady18 There are also therapists who specialize in working with families where a child has been adopted. They help the parents explain in age appropriate ways that they are adopted very much loved and wanted. Maybe you can consult one to help you determine when would be best for MJ to know she is adopted.
    via u/PracticalLady18
  • 21
    MossMyHeart •13h ago • Edited 13h ago A h le Enthusiast [7] You should not marry this women if you want to be a good dad. I'm willing to bet that Ida told her on purpose. She wants it to be clear to her that she isn't your daughter so she knows when the two of you have kids that they're the "real" kids and she was a charity. case. I am also willing to bet she doesn't want her to start seeing her as a mother figure, and that is another reason she told her. Doesn't seem like a coincidence that she
    via u/MossMyHeart
  • 22
    ETA: you should definitely find happiness and a life partner and have more kids if that is what you want, just not with someone who won't see your daughter as your daughter or treat you as such. No maybe you aren't her bio Dad, but like you said you're the only Dad she has ever had or known, it was cruel of Ida to take that from her. Don't marry a woman who would bu y(referring to the fact that she wouldn't let it go and had to keep insisting)your child and make her feel like she doesn't belong.
    via u/MossMyHeart
  • 23
    Upper-File462 This. OP, do not marry this woman. She deliberately tried to poison your relationship to a 5yo. Even AFTER you told her not to, she continued. She doesn't have your daughter's best interest at heart. She wanted to put your daughter "in her place", ie, less in status, especially with any future kids. Sowing those seeds of doubt and harming your daughter's stability is honestly a manipulative and evil move.
    via u/Upper-File462
  • 24
    Please reconsider this proposal and relationship. That woman has no business being a stepmother because she's hellbent on not accepting that you have a daughter. Your kid's best interests at heart should always come first. A new partner who is worth it should prove the same with consistent and sincere actions.
    via u/Upper-File462
  • 25
    noireruse It's deeply unfortunate what your gf did but I'm going to go against the grain here with a soft ESH. It's amazing you stepped up the way you did, but please spend some time looking into common adoption practices. Professionals have been saying for over 50 years (my mother was adopted in the 1960s and her parents were given this advice even then) that children should always know that they are adopted. From day 1, before they can “fully”understand. That way, it exists with them at every
    via u/noireruse
  • 26
    Even if you found the best moment to tell her yourself in the future, you would still be revealing to your daughter that the sense of self she has built to this point is a lie. She may even be considered a late discovery adoptee, as she is over the age of 3. From a 2019 study., "[...] those who learned of their adoptions from age 3 and older reported more distress and lower life satisfaction when controlling for the amount of time adoptees have known of their adoption statuses and their use of c
    via u/noireruse
  • 27
    I'm not trying to make you feel bad, I'm hoping to inspire you to look into more resources to help your daughter. If not from books or studies, maybe seeking advice from other adoptees? Especially those from similar circumstances. Again, I think it's amazing you stepped up.
    via u/noireruse
  • 28
    ABM1901 As an adoptee who was told at age 21 that I was adopted by my father at 2, I would highly recommend raising her with this information above. It's incredibly confusing finding out later in life and having to unlearn a lot of the things you thought were genetically similar. I think what you did is amazing, but the consequences of waiting can overshadow how great it was.
    via u/ABM1901

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